Former First Lady Michelle Obama spoke a truth that many mothers carry, but rarely confess to: Parenting is immensely difficult – and sometimes, it feels nice when we don’t have to do it.
On a recent episode of her podcast, “IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson” (her brother), she spoke with writer, producer and former “Daily Show” host Jon Stewart about a range of topics, parenting among them.
Stewart broached the subject of being an empty nester, as both his kids and Obama’s have grown into adulthood and moved out of the family home. He celebrated the “comfort” of enjoying quality time with his wife sans children, but added that he “obviously misses” having them at home, because “the energy and excitement of the kids being around is so incredible.”
To which Obama replied, “I don’t.”
She emphasized that of course, she loves her daughters, Malia (28) and Sasha (25). She even had plans to meet up with them following the recording of that very podcast. But when it comes to the daily grind of parenting? The constant worry, and endless to-do list? Especially in Obama’s situation, which saw her parenting on an international stage, amid unprecedented scrutiny?
She offers: “I’m good.”
Of course, right-wing outrage flowed at the notion. Conservative news outlets either dismissed her as “another example of liberal women bashing motherhood” or accused her of genuinely hating her children. California Republican Party Delegate Elizabeth Barcohana went so far as to tell Fox News that Obama must be resentful of her kids, adding that “she seems happy that her daughters’ childhoods are over,” which is “not a relatable feeling for most mothers at all.”
Only, that’s not altogether accurate. Studies show that most parents do experience a sense of relief, and of reclaimed autonomy and identity, when their children depart from living at home to pursue an education or a job. Couple’s marriages also benefit from the ease in responsibilities, additional research shows.
Parenting is deeply immersive work. Parenting asks us to set aside ego – and much of the life we knew beforehand – to safely prepare a small person for the task of setting out on their own.
And for the most part, this sacrifice makes sense. Children do not ask to be born – in most cases, our children exist because we wanted them to. Which means it is absolutely our responsibility to give of ourselves, and to give up certain parts of ourselves, in service of their protection and happiness.
But it’s hard. It’s hard on parents in general, and on mothers in particular. Study after study reaffirms the fact that women are disproportionately tasked with both the work and the sacrificing inherent in raising children. This is as true for stay-at-home moms as it is for women breadwinners. And this all takes a mental and physical toll.
Yet we’re told to shoulder it all with a smile. Because modern-day mothering tasks women with being everything – except their authentic, exhausted selves. And it drains us further.
So when the nest finally empties, it makes sense that one might sleep and breathe deeper. Parenting doesn’t stop when the children leave home. It never stops, because we never stop loving (or worrying about) them. But the responsibilities are fewer, and true relaxation is on offer.
Obama named this plainly, with a mix of directness and humor, and was called everything but a child of God for doing so by the conservative outrage machine. Because it is not just perpetual sacrifice that’s uniquely expected of mothers – our elation with the situation is also demanded.
Motherhood is the biggest joy and privilege of my life. It’s also the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I refuse to ignore or downplay the latter in celebration of the former. As such, I delight in my son’s growth – both because I revel in knowing the sharp, conscious, sweet person he’s becoming, and because I benefit from his increased independence to do for himself without need for my constant assistance or intervention.
One mother, who spoke with Psychology Today about being an empty nester, said of her adult children that “their freedom is my freedom.” Obama noted the same during her podcast with Stewart. “I love their emancipation and growth,” she said about her daughters’ evolution into adulthood.
Why shouldn’t she also love her own? Why shouldn’t any mother? ◼️
